my choice.

I have been in a bit of a funky place in my relationship with God. As a believer, I know that I have chosen a difficult path...to follow Christ is not always easy. There are times when I am faced with choices that are not always black & white. There are times when doing "bad" is way easier. There are times when I am not rewarded for doing good. I am imperfect. There is not one person on this big ole earth who has not messed up or who has gone down the wrong path. Everyone struggles with choices everyday, whether you believe in God or not.

When I was 16, I made the biggest choice of my life...I committed my heart to follow God. I was at a Harvest Crusade with my family. We had gone to these crusades for a few summers and I always enjoyed them. But, the summer of 1991, I had a heavenly appointment. I sat in this HUGE crowd of people and felt overwhelmed with emotion. I denied it for about 10 minutes then I began to cry. I fought through the feelings of pride (what will my family think), I fought through the denial (I already belong to Christ, don't I?), I battled the fear of attention (I do NOT want to walk down to that giant stage and say a prayer with a stranger).... I stood up and walked to the stage.

I am forgiven.

For 18 years, I have learned, walked, talked, studied, and failed many times in my relationship with the Lord. I have felt His presence, witnessed His power, been given His grace, and I am showered with His love. He is always there for me and I know that.

There have been times when I can actually feel His big arms around me.
I have heard His gentle voice so clearly that it sends chills up my spine.
I see His attention to detail all around me.

But. (Did you see that coming?)

There are many times when I have cried out, "Where are you, Lord?"
I have felt like He was so out of reach that there was no way back.
That "funk" I mentioned at the beginning...falls into this category. I know He is here with me. I know, He will never stop loving me. I know, I know, I know. The big key I've been missing recently is about 18 inches south of my knowing. My heart.

I have been gathering information like a squirrel gathers nuts. The funk comes from not applying that knowledge to my heart. A couple weeks ago, I picked up a devotional and BAM! I read this verse:

I have called you back from the ends of the earth, saying, "You are my servant." For I have chosen you and will not throw you away. Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:9-10

So, here I am feeling all useless in God's kingdom and He brings me back with 2 verses. Since being encouraged by those verses, I can not begin to explain how I have seen, heard, and felt God all around me.

Blessings, joy, and peace...that is the life God wants for His babies. When we walk on His road and stay in His plan, life is seriously good.